Down the dark rabbit hole
Before you begin to read this post I must warn you it has strong thematic content. Sometimes it’s hard to be real with people…ok, well a lot of the time. I have been described as an open book, one who wears my heart on my sleeve, and for the most part that is true. I have found hope and healing in sharing my burdens and my concerns with others, allowing others to see my pain and enter into my journey with me has helped others reach out to me. I aspire to be a safe place for people to come and share their burdens. I know I have failed at this and will continue to fail, as we all will, but through Christ and his strength in me I have found healing and hope.. I have found a love stronger than death and the will to overcome.
But…I still struggle. I struggle with depression, seasonal mostly, I struggle with sadness from betrayal, PTSD from a failed marriage, insecurities, despair. I fight through it, I face it, I fail, I get up and try again. I wonder,” Why doesn’t God cure me? Why must I bear this burden of anxiety and depression?” I have cried out to God and begged him to remove it…but still it is there. This is my burden to bear, but I do not bear it alone…God is with me in the darkness and his mercies are new every morning!
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end;they are new every morning. Lamentations 3:22-23
Yes, there is strength according to the day. I call upon that strength every day. This is what it is like to live with grief, trauma and depression. With mental illness. This is what it feels like to me.
You can’t outrun depression, you can’t will it away. It takes over, descends upon you, washes over you in waves of grief and panic and dry crying. It feels like you are suffocating, chest closing, a blackness inside you want to reach in and pull out. Exhaustion overtakes you, you crave sleep…anything to shut out the noise. Sadness…starts at the top of your body and descends like an elevator drawing the weight of pain and fear down with it. Down, down, down. Despair flutters. You can’t outrun anxiety. Your heart is racing, butterflies gone wild in your stomach, you feel danger coming…but from where? It’s like panicking in the dark and trying to find the light switch. Confusion sets in. Lethargy. Like muscles trying to move through water. Every effort requires energy times 100. An avalanche of emotion buries you. It’s all too much! Insomnia takes over. Lying in bed tossing and turning, trying to sleep, falling asleep and then waking. Physical pain, actually pulling out my hair in my half sleeping state. Stress. Literally clinging to the rock while the sea is raging, only the storm is inside of me. Screaming on the inside. Crying silent tears.
Do you see this when you look at me? No, you don’t. You see smiles, laughter, energy and love. All those things are true too. I am not depression or anxiety. I fight it, I survive it. God gives me strength to get through it. My medication eases my symptoms as advil eases a headache. God is close to me, holding my trembling form, whispering comfort as a parent whispers to their child after a nightmare,” It’s just a dream child.”
Depression does not make me weak, its makes me strong, and soft and caring and loving. I enjoy the good days more. I appreciate life, beauty in small things. It makes me empathic and deep and aware. I give myself the grace I need on the days I need it. Some days I stay in bed most the day. I sleep, I read, I recover. Some days I force myself to get up and go outside and see people. Sometimes I cry all the way to a social gathering and then put on a happy face and go inside. Sometimes I panic and turn around. Sometimes I wake up light inside, beautiful and light. I get lots done on those days. I accept the good with the bad. I have a fantastic husband who does the same. He never judges me on my bad days, he supports me and loves me the same. I am surrounded by love and support.
Part of this struggle has been coming to terms with the fact that I struggle with this even tho I am a christian. Good christians don’t, right? I recently received great comfort in this area from my daily reading. In 2 Samuel 22 David pens these words:
The waves of death overwhelmed me;floods of destruction swept over me. The grave wrapped it’s ropes around me, death laid a trap in my path.”
Sound familiar to you? Ever felt this way? I felt like that could have been me writing those words, so closely does it describe my own experiences. David knew what it felt like to be depressed, but listen to what he says next,
In my distress I cried out to the Lord, he heard me from his holy sanctuary, my cry reached his ears…He reached down from heaven and rescued me, he drew me out of deep waters.
Time and time again this has been my experience too. God rescues me. God comforts me. God loves me.
We all have our struggles. I’m opening my heart and sharing mine. Some won’t understand and that’s ok. This is not a devotion, or a typical post. This is my heart on paper. Would love to hear all your comments and experiences. Feel free to comment or message me privately.
God give me the strength to just breathe, to reach out to others, to embrace this messy life.
