The Bright Side of the Moon

Full disclosure...today is a day I am struggling to be peaceful. I want to write a post that is full of self pity and heartache, but God is speaking something different to me. You see, today is my little girl's birthday, today she is 7 years old...and today she is 7 hours away with her biological father. I haven't seen her or my other precious children in 4 weeks. They are spending the last half of the summer with their dad. All my thoughts and emotions can be summed up into two words today..divorce sucks! I know there are reasons  why it is necessary, I know that life isn't always full of happily ever afters, believe me, I get that..but there is no way around it, no other way to say it...it still sucks.

I struggle with immense amounts of anxiety when I am separated from my kids, I keep myself super busy so I don't have to think about it too much, but it catches up with me and I give in to the tears. I miss them. I feel ripped off that they are gone for half the summer, I resent that I have to share them, but there is nothing that can be done. That's the reality of divorce. The other reality, that is often even harder to accept is this...my children are ok without me. Sure they miss me, but they are ok. They are happy, distracted and carrying on with their little lives...without me. It took me a while to see this and to accept it, but it has given me a perspective a lot of other Mamas don't have. Your children are not your own anyways, they belong to God. Your job as a mom is to work yourself out of a job. If we hold on too tightly we do them and us more harm than good. You hear that Mamas? Don't hang on too tightly, don't overestimate your own importance. These are God's children. Yes a mother is an integral part of the child's upbringing, that love and support and guidance is crucial to a child's well being, but any loving woman could fill your role. I know it hurts to think about, but if we can grasp it in the right way, the right manner and understand, then we can let go of a lot of fear and pride and other damaging emotions that make us less effective parents and keep us from relying on God and giving our children's lives over to Him.

There will still be angered emotions, but despite all my anguish and sadness, God wants me to be filled with peace. You hear a lot of people talk about inner peace and finding peace, they talk about meditation and focus, letting go of the bad energy and working to find your calm. In my devotions the other day I read something that flips that notion on its head. Oswald Chambers says that searching and working for inner peace is self indulgent. Those who struggle to find inner peace in this way are merely self centred, it is nothing but a mirage. The bible says,

Peace I give you. John 14:27

God gives us peace. It is a gift, not a journey. Inner peace is nothing unless it is a reflection of the peace of God. It turns us to pride if we feel we have achieved inner peace on our own. When we turn our faces to him, we reflect what we learn and see. We do not have that peace in or of ourselves. Like the moon reflects the sun but has no light or heat of its own, we reflect the peace that God gives us and shine it out to the world.

I want to indulge in self pity, but it will do more harm than good. That doesn't mean I can't be sad, it doesn't mean I won't cry or miss my kids or have emotions, it just means that through it all I have peace. If I take the gift of peace I know that it will be ok. When you are truly a child of God, saved by his grace, He will give you his peace. You can be cold and sad and miserable, like the dark side of the moon, or you can turn your face to him and be warmed. You won't see the light of his reflection on your face or in your spirit, but others will. There is no pride involved as you can do nothing of yourself, there is just the slow warming of your heart, the settling of anxiety, the calm of his love surrounding you. You focus on his word and who He is and you will shine like the bright side of the moon.

When my children are away from me I think of this hymn and it brings me courage. My children are God's little sparrows and I know he watches over them and loves them even more than me!

" Why should I feel discouraged,

why should the shadows come,

why should my heart be lonely, and long

for heaven and home

when Jesus is my portion,

my constant friend is he

oh his eye is on the sparrow

and I know he watches me.